David Jón Fuller, writer

I’ve been waiting forever to do a post like this, but I wanted to wait until I had a good variety of truly weird search terms. I can’t hold a candle to the sublime absurdity at other blogs, such as Amy’s, but I feel I finally have some gems.

How do people find As You Were? Well, recently a lot of people have been searching for Tolkien, or Aerosmith, or werewolves. And that’s great!  I have actually blogged about such things.

But I’m not sure what to make of search terms such as “lee aaron naked” — at least three people ended up here looking for that, and, um, I really don’t think I’ve ever strung those words together here. (More perplexing were the pour souls landing here searching for “david lee roth naked” — sorry, folks.)

It gets worse, though. You’d be surprised how many people were hoping to find “woman burned at stake” — likely because that was an element in Rachel Deering’s first issue of Anathema. But come on, web searchers: who the hell is actually looking for stuff like that? Hope you’re part of my bounce rate. On the other hand, thanks to the fine folks who have been part of Werewolf Wednesday, I hope the person looking for “where can i read lesbian werewolf books online” is happy with what they’re finding here.

More bizarrely specific, and yet not inconceivable, are the periodic hits I get from “eric burdon penis.” I’m hoping the people searching the Interwebs for that one are at least finding the one post I have germane to that topic, about Cynthia Plaster Caster. Eric Burdon was interviewed as part of the documentary on the infamous artist and collector of rock schlongs. Unfortunately, my blog is of no help for people looking for “werewolf genitalia.”

And speaking of specific, I’m not sure if I have cornered the market on this one, but I’m happy to see that someone with the patience to type in “meaning of gandalf reply to frodo when he said that was a pity that bilbo didn’t kill gollum” would have found something relevant in a post like this one. Sadly, to the person asking “what verse does grendel get his arm ripped off in beowulf” — for all my ramblings on Beowulf, I don’t even know that. Now I want to look it up.

Even farther above my pay grade are topics such as “can a vet do a spinal tap without permission of owner?” Wow. I do not know.

Nor do I know whether the current U.S. president is a glam rock fan. But someone out there was looking for “obama kiss destroyer.” Whatever the right-wing commenters out there may say, I doubt he’s the King of the Night Time World.

Other folks I’m not sure I can help are people with vague requests like “the fast song that’s kind of about werewolves.” Um, you’re going to have to narrow it down a bit — can you hum a few bars?

And lastly, to the Googlers searching for “david jonathan fuller” — my middle name isn’t short for anything. It’s just Jón. If there’s a different David Fuller out there with that full name — sorry to be stealing your web traffic, dude. (The person looking for “david fuller handsome,” though: my friend, you have found the right place!)

Anyway, now that As You Were is nearly a year old, and I’m getting regular traffic, I’ll keep track of these better, and maybe have another roundup of weirdness before too long. For now, though, I’d love to hear some of your weird search terms in in the comments, if you have any — I really cannot get enough of oddity like this.